Why We Need to Talk About Lifetime’s Surviving R. Kelly

I just finished watching Lifetime’s Surviving R. Kelly documentary series. I woke up with a headache and was late to church…and I’m not prone to headaches. Believe me when I tell you that I don’t want to talk about it any more than you probably do. But we should…

I’m flooded with emotions. Disgust. Rage. Shock. And I’m sure it will take me some time to figure out what else I really feel. You see, I knew what he was doing long before this documentary aired. I know that he was acquitted of all charges on his first and only trial of charges on child pornography. I knew about the late singer Aaliyah. I knew about the sex cult allegations. But this documentary aired some details that were just unbelievable. Yet, I believe these girls and women who have come forward to recount the abuse and assault they say he committed against him. And as a Christian woman who has a heart to help other women, I can’t just watch that series and not talk about it.

I remember being a fan of R. Kelly in grade school, high school, and my early college ears. I knew about Aaliyah. I was a fan of her’s as well. I thought she was beautiful and talented. But I think because she was about my age (maybe a little older) when the details of their marriage came out I didn’t really, fully process what had actually happened to her. In my young mind, I didn’t fully process that an almost 30-year old man had married a 15-year old girl. Which means that he may have started grooming her for sexual abuse as early as 12. I think somewhere in the back of my young mind I thought, she was a famous singer and that’s what happened in her industry…right? So I accepted the “separate the man from the music” cop-out that so many fans adopted, and kept listening to his music.

I can’t remember the exact time, but I did stop listening to his music. I think it was around the time that his sex tape with a 14-year-old girl was leaked. Maybe sometime after. I didn’t watch the video but I’d seen a still photo shot from the video where he looked naked and had turned his head so you could see his face. It was him. And whoever the girl was…whatever he had done to her was wrong. Add to that the fact that by this time I’d experienced what it’s like to have men like R. Kelly try to prey on me. Men who believe that they’re entitled to treat you any kind of way, simply because you’re a woman and they can. Or more particularly, because you are a Black woman and no one will care. Or maybe it’s the fact that you are poor, or young…whatever it is they target you because they believe they’ll get away with it. The bottom line is that years ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to support him as an artist. I didn’t want to hear his music. I didn’t want to see his face. And if you played his music while I was around (unless it was unavoidable, say at a public event), I was asking you to cut it off.

But this docuseries…

I’d heard the stories but I had no idea the horror, the perversion, the pure evil that was being covered up. It wasn’t bad enough that he was having sex with girls. He was getting older girls to have sex with them too. And the young woman who he “turned into a boy” because she was rebellious and tomboyish? Or the young women he infected with herpes? The repeated physical assaults and punishments for disobedience? The starving of food and denial of something as simple as going to the bathroom? The abuse of his wife who had 3 of his children? His acquittal of all child pornography charges in a trial that was delayed for 6 years? And the adult women he clearly targeted and we’re confused as to why? And the fact that this didn’t start with Aaliyah? I know all these things are allegations. But I believe they’re the result of people sweeping his transgressions under the rug when it first started happening.

Yet…the questions are still asked “Why didn’t they just leave?” “Where were their parents?” “Why didn’t they come forward before now?” “But they knew about the allegations, didn’t they?” Or the statements were made that “Robert just has certain preferences” “Those girls and women are just gold diggers” “They’re stupid and crazy for staying”. The fact that underage girls were sometimes referred to as women and the fact that it was implied that they somehow were complicit with this abuse just has me baffled. The REAL questions are how is this man not dead or in jail? Why are we blaming girls for the actions of an adult male sexual predator? Why are we leaving our girls out there like that with no protection? Why can we not hold a psychopath monster accountable? How can we keep listening to his music knowing he’s singing about his sexual exploits with underage girls?

I was going to stop watching the docuseries because I felt sick to my stomach when these young women recounted in detail the degrading acts they were forced to perform. But I figured, if God had to see the actual events, I could stomach these young women being brave and coming forward. I’m glad I did finish watching it because I saw that these girls’ stories were finally being told. And I realized at the end of it all that no one gets away with something like that.

As a Christian woman, I know we have to forgive and love our offenders. But forgiving someone and loving them with the mind and heart of Christ does not mean that we do not tell the truth. The most heartbreaking part of that whole documentary series was how that man used churches to portray a perverted image of holiness to the world. And that the people working with him and who were around him, saw him abusing these girls and didn’t say anything or even helped him do it. It was the fact that another Black man – a popular rapper – admitted that he didn’t value the victims before because they were Black women. That stung.

I often have to dissect my experience on this planet as a Black person, a Black woman, and a Christian. I often find myself having to pull hard on the Gospel when I’m faced with the fact that certain things were done or attempted on me for no other reason than the fact that I am Black and a woman. But I’ve gotten to the point that I can see life through all the filters of my being and still see the truth of the Gospel. And the truth is that for as many verses in the Bible that talk about us forgiving our perpetrators, there are verses that talk about how to handle offenses, and not all of them say to turn the other cheek. In fact, the Bible says that we are to bear the burdens of those who are weaker (in this case, stop blaming the victim). It says that we are to confront our offenders (instead of settling out of court like many of R Kelly’s victims did). Jesus himself said that anyone who would harm a child should tie a weight to himself and sink into the ocean. If that’s how Jesus felt about this, it’s time for the body of Christ to do their part in stopping predators from preying on children and vulnerable young people. It’s time for us to treat all children and young people like they matter – as if they were our own. And it starts with conversations about the truth of the matter.

Did you see the documentary? What were your thoughts?